heroin brings peace
Its been so long-
I haven’t written anything on here. I’m not gonna write everything that has happened. I think today was the strangest day for me. I feel empty, and I don’t really wanna talk to anyone. Its not that I don’t want to, I feel like I cant.
Words dont wanna escape my brain, I just keep thinking and thinking.
I feel like id be so much happier with some opiates. I feel like everyday I’m rotting away. I want someone to help me, love me, anything! I know that wont happen, I guess I still must “try” to be happier.
How I become happy
This week is going to be good. I dont care how this sounds, the reasons are because Im getting
- 1g of MDAI
- 1g of 4-FA
- Mephedrone
- Ecstasy
- Shrooms
I mean that is why Im happy, I know its short term though. I also today am trying 2ci for my first time. Im excited c:
"Since the world drifts into delirium, we must adopt a delirious point of view."
Baudrillard (via andrewharlow)
Wrote this before the New Year, crossing off goals I reached.
2012
Stop complaining- Don’t rely on drugs
Focus in schoolAppreciate the little thingsWrite more- Do more art
- Save money
- Do more yoga
Do not care what other people say
I have been writing more when I get the chance. I still need to start doing more yoga.
I haven’t written in awhile.
Sometimes I don’t like to shower, scrubbing away at my body. I don’t like it nor do I hate it. I looked down at my body in the shower today, and I honestly was frightened by the way my hip bones were sticking out, it’s as if they were suffocating. The need for food bothered me. I knew this would happen though when I took my morning adderall. I stand under the water that heats my body quick, and apologize. I apologize to my body. I’m sorry how I treat you, so new yet becoming so old. I think of the what the inside of my liver looks like. I imagine decay. I promise though, from now on to improve on how I treat my body.
I still will never understand why I do this to myself.
day twenty-one
Today I went back to school. It was an alright day. I took some adderall and it helped a lot in taking my notes in class. I just didn’t feel right all day. I’m starting to question who my real friends are. I don’t know who I am around people anymore. I wish I could just be free and want to be social. I’m also just blah because Its like the whole world is moving forward and I’m just standing still. Nothing changes. I know I have to change my habits first, I just gotta get out of that rut. I don’t really look forward to the next few weeks because
- Exams start next week
- Our house is on the market so that means people will be coming over a lot
- I’m moving
- My friends haven’t bothered to make plans with me & they do know ill be gone really soon.
I’m gonna just focus on helping around the house & school. That’s it.
2012
- Stop complaining
- Don’t rely on drugs
- Focus in school
- Appreciate the little things
- Write more
- Do more art
- Save money
- Do more yoga
- Do not care what other people say
day twenty
I woke up at 9 and waited for Connor to stop by. He didnt even text me. Seriously its taking you a fucking week to just simply drop off my pills? He better get them to me before New Years. I will fucking murder him. On the bright side my hair look so good, and my room does too! Im getting scared about leaving though..
day nineteen
Sorry its been so long since i wrote anything. Well after that angry last post, i was offered some coke. I think i felt so much better and looked forward to Tuesday. Tuesday was really fun and i smoked alot with Stephanie, then we drank so much tequila. We have videos that scare me haha. I threw up, and barely remembered it the next day. Then yesterday we decoded to go see Sherlock homes, during that time we took some xanax and forget alot of the movie. I bought some good weed from jake. Stephanie was so gone, she was stumbling haha. That night we get home and sleep for awhile, then snuck out with ladon and stephen. We drive around 12am to franklin and smoke some amazing weed. I swear ladon is the best person to smoke with. Also he is so funny, and just perfect and cute c:. We smoked cigarettes, laughed a lot. I fintally got another pack of camal crushes. yes. Then we were dropped of and we just walk into my house and everyone is up except my mom, i swear she is so oblivous. Today i woke up around 12 dylan picked me up, we smoked, looked at some records. We talked alot. Then it started to rain way to much so we drove home. Now im all comfy, and i think i shall take a nap now. Everything is really good and tomorrow im giving Ellen and Morgan their gifts and we are gonna go see Dylans show. I feel happy inside, and i look forward this weekend. Also i hope Connor will finally give me my e.
